ajcjobs > BlogBreak > Archives > 2007 > May > 15 > Entry
Paying a compliment too much trouble?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
In one of my diversity facilitation training sessions, participates debated on whether it is okay to compliment co-workers and subordinates on their clothing. Most of the men said, it is not okay to give compliments, while all of the women said there is nothing wrong with complimenting people on their clothing.
Is this one of those men are from Mars and women are from Venus things? It turns out that there was a situation where a manager complimented one of his female employees and she filed a sexual harassment charge. The employee claimed that she felt uncomfortable receiving compliments from her boss about her clothing. The word spread quickly through the company that complimenting on clothing is not acceptable.
Well first, we know that it is not what you say, but how you say it. I am not sure how the manager phrased the compliment, but, sometimes I think we overreact and take things too far. If the compliment was delivered inappropriately, the response should be, “I would prefer that you not provide me with compliments”. Another approach would be to just ask, “What did you mean by that?”
Open dialogue can go along way.
Have you ever landed yourself in trouble because you paid someone a compliment? Or did you someone offend you?
Comments
Commenting is now closed for this entry.
By jeff
May 15, 2007 10:05 AM | Link to this
some people are just looking for a reason to complain. the person was probably just looking for a reason to hurt the boss’s career. In the end, she only has hurt her career. No boss at that company will ever compliment her again. On her cloths, OR HER WORK!
By nice sweater
May 15, 2007 10:17 AM | Link to this
It is risky to compliment some people (I should say women), because they are looking for an excuse to cry foul, maybe file a lawsuit and make some bucks. I swear, it's like you can't tell a woman that her tight blouse really accentuates her round breasts and makes them perk up nicely without her taking it the wrong way and reading some kind of sexual harassment into it! Like, if you tell a woman that the jeans she is wearing really make her rear look smooth, round and inviting it's some kind of insult or something. I swear, I'll just stick to saying "How's my favorite little chickadee doing today?" to avoid crossing some imaginary boundary from now on.By seriously though
May 15, 2007 10:22 AM | Link to this
I think some of these problems would go away if women didn’t dress so sexily and provocatively, while expecting noone to notice or good forbid look too long or compliment them. It’s a power play and a teasing mind game in many cases. Of course, in some it’s like the last post and the “compliments” are thinly veiled sexual come-ons. It’s best to compliment people who are NOT your subordinates, though—at least any kind of comment about physical attributes should be avoided. Stick to complimenting on how well she/he does her/his job or how helpful or kind they are, etc…the power differential makes all the difference.
By Red
May 15, 2007 10:36 AM | Link to this
Have we come to a point where, a co worker has a nice dress, or looks good in their suit, that we can not let them know, because of the fear of “harrassment”? I think we know our co workers well enough, in most cases, that a compliment is just that, and nothing more. The response to that would be a simple “Thank you.”
By RCH
May 15, 2007 10:44 AM | Link to this
Some things are best left unsaid.Especially concerning the appearance of a female.Today she may take it well,tommorow when you may have to fire her, numerous allegations will come up. Is it worth your job and career to give that compliment. Keep it professional!
By Tuesday
May 15, 2007 10:58 AM | Link to this
I work with 9 men and three women. We constantly harrass each other, just about every day. We have a saying that “Sexual Harrassment will not be tolerated, however, it will be graded”. We are adults, and have worked together in a very small office for over 15 years. No one MEANS anything by it, we just laugh it off. Life is too short to worry about someone’s comments.
By RCH
May 15, 2007 11:07 AM | Link to this
* Tuesday* I sat on a HR committee that investigated these type of issues, Two common threads appeared in every case 1) We have been doing this for a long time,and 2) I didn’t mean anything by it.Don’t risk it!
By Complimentary
May 15, 2007 11:11 AM | Link to this
If they are meant in the right way and you are a reasonable person, you shouldn’t be offended by (or contemplate suing over!) compliments. You should be, as the speaker probably intended, FLATTERED!
What is annoying and uncomfortable, though, is when my boss talks to me about how tall, beautiful, graceful and otherwise perfect a co-worker of mine is. If she idolizes this co-worker so much, I wish she’d just go worship her directly and leave me out of it!
By Madmechanic
May 15, 2007 11:12 AM | Link to this
some people just dont know what professional means and by Jeff s comments he is the kind of boss who doesnt judge by your good works just the brown nosers
By Temp
May 15, 2007 11:19 AM | Link to this
These type of articles make me sick. Sexual harassment should mean demanding sexual favors in exchange for job advancement. Anything else needs should be ignored. If you aren’t comfortable in a work environment, leave.
By Tom
May 15, 2007 11:23 AM | Link to this
The very wierd thing about the diversity training is focusing on the differences that drive the wedges … not the 95% we all have in common. We all want good jobs, nice homes, cars etc. … but the business of “correctness” allows the differences to be expoited to the fault. It is a thriving business.
By depends
May 15, 2007 11:47 AM | Link to this
I agree it’s all in how you say it. When a former boss got some new shirts I told him, “Nice shirt” because it looked nice and it breaks up the monotony when someone gets something new occasionallly, plus who doesn’t like being complimented. Even though I am a woman, I think women sometimes cross the line of appropriateness with cleavage, etc. If men have to dress conservatively I don’t think women ought to display too much cleavage and expect co-workers to keep their mind on their work. But then I personally tend to be a conservative dresser and have never worn revealing, strappy dresses at formal business occasions; you’re letting half your self hang out and then expect to be treated with respect at the office? People might think I’m a fuddy duddy but that’s just the way I feel. We used to have a problem with one well-built individual wearing real tight leggings and big shirts, or a vest with nothing underneath. That’s when they instituted a dress code. And there was another person who borrowed clothes from someone they lived with that were just not appropriate for work. But no one said anything because, hey, the guys are not going to complain and who else would want to confront a peer to say your skirt is way too short, this is a place of business in a conservative industry.
By Becky
May 15, 2007 12:35 PM | Link to this
I think that people just need to get thicker skin. I love it when someone compliments me on clothes that I wear & never give it a second thought about sexual harrassment..If I got upset every time the owner of our company said something with sexual undertones, I would be in court all the time. After 20 years, I just go with the flow..
By Eric
May 15, 2007 12:57 PM | Link to this
WHY is it necessary or desirable to “compliment” a colleague on their appearance? If it’s not germane to the job at hand, keep your bloody mouth shut.
I cannot stand the personal talk in the workplace. Keep your work at work and your personal life at home!
By kdog
May 15, 2007 1:16 PM | Link to this
I think the idea of being professional has merit. So does keeping your mouth shut. When a woman wears a certain outfit, she knows exactly the type of attention that it will draw if she has any sense at all. You know when you’re hanging out, butt to tight clothes are appropriate and when they’re not. Of course, some guys will look, may comment and then BANG, you’re IT. or OUT. I’ve actually laughed at these thinly veiled attempts before and that really gets them upset. Cause I didn’t comment or do something that could get me fired. For the record, I’m married with 3 kids and if it’s not my WIFE, give me a break. You’re not worth my job, self respect or my marriage.
By RCH
May 15, 2007 1:25 PM | Link to this
KDOG Exactly what I have been trying to say.Some of these young girls have learned to use the system and are fishing for the wrong thing to be said and then settle for $30K. I have seen it several times.
By JJ
May 15, 2007 1:36 PM | Link to this
Eric you sound like a great candidate for working from home. You would never last in my office, we are all up in each other’s business. We are a social bunch, and we actually socialize OUTSIDE of the office too…….I have parties at my house and invite all co-workers and their families. We all go out on Friday afternoons to our local watering hole. We have all worked at the same company for years, and we know each other’ kids, spouses, and ANIMALS, etc……
By RCH
May 15, 2007 2:02 PM | Link to this
J.J. At some companies you would have a big bullseye on your back. Good luck.
By Jo
May 15, 2007 2:19 PM | Link to this
I agree with Temp, Becky, RCH & JJ. I’m so glad I don’t work with any “Eric’s” as I find people with a stick up their $%^’s to be insufferable. What ever happened to flirting? Freedom of speech? All our rights are being taken away. When I was younger & worked out all the time, I LOVED coming into the office & having my male co-workers compliment me on my minis, low-rise jeans etc. Made me feel like all my hard work in the gym had paid off!
By Jo
May 15, 2007 2:30 PM | Link to this
I agree with Temp, Becky, RCH & JJ. I’m so glad I don’t work with any “Eric’s” as I find people with a stick up their $%^’s to be insufferable. What ever happened to flirting? Freedom of speech? All our rights are being taken away. When I was younger & worked out all the time, I LOVED coming into the office & having my male co-workers compliment me on my minis, low-rise jeans etc. Made me feel like all my hard work in the gym had paid off!
By BIG RICHARD
May 15, 2007 3:06 PM | Link to this
I would be careful that the compliment could not be misconstrued into someone elses sexual harasment. One persons idea of a compliment could be someone elses idea of sexual harasment, So say what you wish and let us lawyers fight it out in court, then the question will be who still works there when the smoke clears.
By J
May 15, 2007 3:08 PM | Link to this
Just another cheap excuse for a lawsuit. Other notable reasons for a lawsuit are:
Race-very popular. See also Jesse Jackson Weight-stop eating or eat more. It’s simple. Gender-comes and goes Being Poor Being Rich
By kdog
May 15, 2007 3:20 PM | Link to this
JO, for every one in the office like you, there are half a dozen just waiting for some “leg up.” in their careers. And you ALL know what I’m talking about. Flirting, freedom of speech, etc is OK, but what if I object? And if you’ve got a group of folks that have been acting this way for “years’ like one of the other posters said, what about a new employee? What you’ve been putting up with has been HARASSMENT, the fact you all harass each other won’t mean nothing when you all get fired. As for being “all up in each other’s business”, unless you’re in a barbershop of beauty salon, you can stay out of mine. And that’s not stuck up, I just don’t feel like I should HAVE to share my PERSONAL affairs in order to exist in a BUSINESS environment.
By JJ
May 15, 2007 3:35 PM | Link to this
kdog Just another candidate for working from home. Glad you don’t work in my office. You are too stuffy.
FYI - I’m not “putting up with” harrassment, I’m dishing it out too. Say what you want, but it aint gonna happen in my office, even the boss plays around. We are a happy and very productive company because we are comfortable with each other. We aren’t scared. And as for new employees, that aint gonna happen either. We are a small business for a reason and everyone is very happy here. They take very good care of us employees.
By Becky
May 15, 2007 3:39 PM | Link to this
JJ, you’re office sounds a lot like the office that I work in..A far as new people that come in, they either have to learn to lke us, live with it or don’t let the door hit them in the a* on the way out..I can dish it out as good as I get it..No pun intended….
By Fishtales
May 15, 2007 3:57 PM | Link to this
Remember: It’s only harrassment if you aren’t cute.
By RCH
May 15, 2007 4:03 PM | Link to this
* J.J., and Becky* That’s great you can work in an office where you can be like that.You work with a very cohesive group. However, I work in an corporate environment where relationships are not as strong especially since we work with individuals we may see just in a great while.This is where you have to be very careful. A remark made to a co-worker you know but heard by a third party that takes offense can be construed as sexual harassment. You are now dead in the water.
By Shawn
May 15, 2007 4:09 PM | Link to this
This is pretty much all speculation because we do not know the context of the compliment. Regardless, I will continue to compliment women at work. If I recognize a new hairstyle or if she is wearing something nice, I will offer a compliment. My compliments go no further than, “Your hair looks nice that way.” or “That is a nice outfit you are wearing.” You have to be careful with using “I” in your compliment. (“I like youor hair.” or “I like that outfit.”)
By Becky
May 15, 2007 4:13 PM | Link to this
RCH, yes it’s great to work in this type of office. I don’t think that I would ever work corporate if I had to be someone that I myself am not.. Trust me, I know about the other person hearing things & taking them the worng way. One of the girls that I work with is a Jevonah’s Witness & trust me she is left out of a lot of the conversations because she doesn’t see things the way we do…BUT she was told from day one that this is us & if you can’t handle it, bye bye.. Guess I’m showing my age, because things just roll off of me….
By RCH
May 15, 2007 4:19 PM | Link to this
* Becky* Maybe I am just extra cautious. I seen a few people loose their job over such trival things as this.Guess my age is showing through.
By Kdog
May 15, 2007 4:21 PM | Link to this
JJ/Becky-I’d work from home in a minute, but there’s just some jobs that won’t work that way. Also, I’m glad you’ve got that “southern charm” thingy working in your office, but just because I work with folks, go out with them, etc, they don’t have the right to know ALL my business. When I’m with my co-workers whom have worked with and known for years, we can tread close to the line. But we are also mindful of how this looks to folks OUTSIDE the group, like RCH pointed out. The door won’t be hitting me in the a*, but it will yours if you ever have someone apply and say they didn’t get a job or couldn’t stay cause of the little “clique” working there. But i guess, you’re all going to live forever and not retire.
By LR
May 15, 2007 4:27 PM | Link to this
Ok, correct me if I’m wrong, but Georgia is a right-to-work state so it seems like if you’re a small, fairly relaxed company and find out a lil too late that you’ve hired a real pain in the butt prude you could just terminate them under the guise of not ‘fitting in with the company culture,’ right? That is assuming you haven’t given them enough ammo already for a lawsuit, of course.
By Becky
May 15, 2007 4:33 PM | Link to this
JJ, guess I said that wrong.. No one is not hired because of our littel “clique” It’s just that it doesn’t take long for people once they work here to knwo that they either fit or they don’t…No I don’t plan on living forrever, but yes I will retire from here…We don’t know everything about everyone, but there are a few of us that do..Heck, I even donated a kidney to a co worker that at the time, had only been working with me for less than a year..RCH, I understand the need to be cautious, I’m just glad that I’m in a job that I don’t have to moniter every little thing that I say…