Are you the jerk?

Q: My manager has received numerous complaints about me. People tell him that I'm arrogant, rude and intimidating, which doesn't make sense to me. I assume this is coming from two immature people who think they are better than me and try to direct my work. I also have felt the need to make several complaints about them.

I've never worked anywhere where there were so many complaints going back and forth. I wonder if I am doing something that encourages this behavior. What do you think?

MARIE G. McINTYRE

YOUR OFFICE COACH

A: Sounds like a vicious cycle. They complain about you, then you complain about them, then they complain again. This must be driving your manager nuts.

You're smart to focus on your own behavior, since that's the only thing you can control. To assess the validity of these complaints, consider your past. Have you ever gotten this kind of feedback before? If so, you may need to work on your interpersonal skills.

But if you've never had similar problems, you've apparently gotten sucked into a childish little game. And the strategy for ending a game is simple: stop playing. To disengage, you must not gossip, make snide remarks, tattle to your boss or get into power struggles.

Instead, smile, be friendly, focus on your work and spend your time with colleagues who are more mature. In short, act like an adult. You then may feel quietly superior to these silly co-workers.

To avoid arguments about who should direct your work, ask your manager to clarify job roles and responsibilities. And tell him that you want to stop all this complaining. He'll appreciate your attitude.

If you find it difficult to extract yourself from this destructive pastime, you must be enjoying the game, which would raise questions about your own maturity level.

Q: I am absolutely miserable in my job, but it's hard to look for work while I'm employed. The owner of this company is a horrible person who yells and insults people. She doesn't like to give employees time off, so I have trouble getting away for interviews. I recently lost a possible position because I couldn't come for the interview when they wanted me to. I've been here for three years. How do I escape?

A: You're absolutely miserable, have a horrid boss and have been putting up with this for three years. Your main job now is to find another one.

Yes, it's tough to look for work when you're working, but it's not impossible. You just have to be clever and mildly devious.

Unfortunately, this is one situation in which total honesty simply is not possible, because telling your boss about an interview would be self-defeating.

Most prospective employers understand this dilemma and try to be flexible about scheduling. When offered an interview, indicate that you are extremely interested in the position but may have some difficulty getting away during work hours. Ask if the interview could be scheduled before or after work or during your lunch break. If that's not possible, use your vacation time.

If your boss asks why you need time off, give a general response, such as "I have to meet with someone about some personal business." Then leave it at that. If you are one of those people who feel a need to explain everything, you will have to curb that tendency.

Your boss may become suspicious, but so what? Unless you're willing to take that risk, you'll be stuck there forever. So don't let this overly aggressive woman intimidate you into missing any more opportunities.

- Marie G. McIntyre is an Atlanta-based workplace coach. Her weekly column is syndicated by Knight Ridder/Tribune News Service. Send questions at www.yourofficecoach.com.