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FLIRTY OR FRIENDLY?
Your intentions may be misread at the office
Q: People at work seem to think that I'm a flirt. My husband and I are happily married, and in my own mind I'm not flirting with anyone. I'm just a naturally friendly person who likes people. But I know that it really doesn't matter what I think I'm doing if other people think I'm flirting. Do you have any advice about behavior to watch out for?
A: Some women flirt to get attention. Others find flirting to be a useful strategy for getting things they want. And gregarious, sociable types simply may appear to be flirting. But, regardless of the cause, flirtatious behavior can produce unintended consequences, such as unwelcome invitations and stalking.
To determine whether your friendly actions qualify as flirting, apply this simple test: Do you communicate with men exactly the same way that you communicate with women? If you smile, laugh and flip your hair when talking with the guys but adopt a more businesslike attitude with female colleagues, that's a pretty good clue.
For a more objective assessment, ask some trusted friends or co-workers for feedback. If you are sending unintended messages, they undoubtedly will be able to describe the problem behaviors in detail.
To change these perceptions, you must interact with men and women in the same way. Try to eliminate any verbal or nonverbal behaviors that might be viewed as come-ons. But don't lose your outgoing personality, because friendliness is a great asset in all working relationships.
Q: My daughter, who recently finished school, appears overwhelmed with finding a job. She has a master's degree in business but doesn't seem to know how to approach a job search. What's the best way for me to help?
A: There's a world of difference between being a student and being a job applicant. College students seldom are taught anything about how to look for work.
The first resource that your daughter should tap is the career counseling office at her alma mater. If she hasn't explored those services yet, she needs to check out the resources on the school's Web site and make an appointment with a counselor.
As a parent, your primary role is to support your child's job search without doing the work yourself. If you find a job for her, you will reinforce her sense of helplessness. But teaching her how to look for work will encourage independence.
For example, you can suggest a visit to the career counseling office, but she needs to make the appointment. You can review her resume, but she needs to write it. You can identify friends or relatives who may have job leads, but she needs to contact them.
Looking for work includes five basic steps: setting career goals, writing a resume, networking, interviewing and selecting a job. Parents often can help with networking, because they probably know many people. And some can provide useful feedback on resumes and assist with interview practice.
But be wary of getting too involved in career choice. Because parents are seldom objective about their children, they usually make lousy career counselors.
- Marie G. McIntyre is an Atlanta-based workplace coach. Her weekly column is syndicated by Knight Ridder/Tribune News Service. Send questions at www.yourofficecoach.com.
