Work hard to win over critical, cliquey colleagues

Q: In my new job, I share an office with three people. My desk is positioned so that the gentleman behind me has a full view of everything I do. He also happens to be the younger brother of one of the owners.

On my seventh day of work, the human resources manager warned me about the amount of time I spent making personal calls and using the Internet. My officemates apparently tattled to her about this, so I already have a black mark next to my name.

Now I make no more than two three-minute calls per day, and I'm controlling my urge to go online. But the brother who sits behind me still watches me constantly.

My three co-workers instant-message one another all day, and sometimes the messages are about me. Because I'm a sensitive person, this is starting to affect my work. I can't even stand to look at these people.

When I started this job, I was at an extreme high, but now I'm at an extreme low. My co-workers behave like children and watch me like a hawk. Should I act like I don't care or try to kill them with kindness?

A: The most salient fact here is that you are a newcomer in a well-established group. You have no track record with these people. To succeed, you must show that you can be a friendly and productive colleague.

Goofing off during your first week was a bad way to start. You are paid to produce results, not surf the Net or chat on the phone. So you immediately screwed up your chance to make a good first impression.

To recover, you must do your best work, act pleasant and helpful, and control your emotions. If you are tired of your co-workers' childish behavior, you should set an adult example. Adults maintain good working relationships, even with people they don't like.

You particularly need to get along with the guy peering over your shoulder, because he's related to an owner and probably could get you fired. This may not be fair, but family almost always trumps fairness.

Q: One of my employees refers to everyone as "Honey" or "Hon." I've been told that some people find this offensive. She's a good employee, so how do I get her to stop this without insulting or alienating her?

A: Acknowledging her positive intentions will soften the criticism.

For example: "I really appreciate the warm, friendly relationships that you have at work. However, you need to be careful about calling people 'hon' or 'honey.' Even though you're just trying to be friendly, some people may view this as condescending or overly personal.

"In the future, I need for you to avoid saying 'honey' when talking with customers or colleagues. I realize this may be a hard habit to break, so I'll remind you if I notice it. But please keep your pleasant, cheerful attitude, because that's a real asset!"

- Marie G. McIntyre is an Atlanta-based workplace coach. Her weekly column is syndicated by Knight Ridder/Tribune News Service. Send questions at www.yourofficecoach.com.