Sudden parenthood

If you're a professional woman without children, you know that your work life is different from that of your colleagues who have kids. You have control over your days, can schedule client meetings at odd times and can meet impossible deadlines. You also can cross-train, attend conferences or network after hours — all without a thought to getting home in time for dinner.

But what if you woke up one day and found you had slipped to the other side of the equation? When you went to bed last night you were childless, but, by the time you got to work this morning, you had three teenagers or toddlers, or even a baby.

That's what happens when you marry someone who already has children. Where once stood a single, childless worker now stands a parent and spouse with an instant family and a cubicle full of photos.

Sound dramatic? In truth, it would be hard to overdramatize this transition. According to the U.S. Bureau of the Census, new stepfamilies are being formed at the rate of 1,300 per day.

Many of these new families include two experienced parents, each bringing children into the relationship. But others feature first-time parents who are assuming responsibility for children they only recently met.

In the introduction to her new book, "A Career Girl's Guide to Becoming a Stepmom" (HarperCollins, $13.95), Jacquelyn Fletcher discusses this phenomenon while dispensing advice based on her experience of becoming a stepmother to three children younger than 10.

Fletcher writes: "To the single woman who has never been married before and has no children of her own, joining an existing family can be incredibly scary. The learning curve is so steep it can bury many a successful businesswoman. Consider this: In the first year of marriage, a stepmother feels she must learn how to live with another human being (or several); learn how to be married; learn how to be a stepmother, with all its thorny issues; find her place within a family that has already been together for years; figure out how to assert herself; learn how to support and communicate with people who are wounded; and learn to deal with the ex. And that's just the tip of the iceberg."

If that's the tip of the iceberg, then the issue of career management must be somewhere underwater, waiting to capsize the unwary sailor on these new seas.

Sprinkled throughout Fletcher's book are success stories and cautionary tales of women whose professional and personal lives suddenly collided. On the positive side, she tells of women who were able to use finely honed managerial skills to solve problems at home. Others relied on their "people skills" from work to deal with difficult interpersonal situations.

As frequently, Fletcher heard stories of discord and frustration, with the home situation affecting work. In her case, she recalls giving up the sanctuary of her one-person home and the antidote it had provided to a busy career.

"When I got a new stepfamily," she notes, "suddenly my home life was more chaotic than my work life. All I could think about was the fear I felt at the transition, so it was incredibly distracting."

Fletcher found herself restructuring her work to accommodate life with children.

"I used to work until all hours of the night, but suddenly I had this family that wanted me to be a part of it," she writes. "Ultimately, it made me create a more healthy and balanced work schedule, but I was resentful at first, since for so long work was my only companion."

According to Fletcher, this rebalancing of work and family goes deeper than one's schedule. An attorney she interviewed realized that her career wasn't as important to her as her four stepchildren. She turned to full-time parenting, with the intention of returning to law after the children are grown.

Sometimes, the drop down the career ladder isn't voluntary. A corporate executive found that she couldn't keep the same pace once she became part of a stepfamily. She kept her job but had to reduce its priority in her life.

If Fletcher's book is a bit sobering, it is ultimately positive. Although she deals primarily with the emotional and financial repercussions of blended families, her anecdotes provide a roadmap for stepmothers who want to keep their careers on track while building new families. This book would be a thoughtful gift for the mom-to-be who is expecting toddlers and teenagers.

- Amy Lindgren owns Prototype Career Service, a career consulting firm in St. Paul, Minn. She can be reached at alindgren@prototypecare rservice.com or at 1071 W. Seventh St., St. Paul, MN 55102.